Building Resilience: Making an Overused Phrase Meaningful and Actionable

For teens and their parents the term ‘building resilience’ is used so often, today,  that it’s almost lost its meaning and its ability to deliver on its promise. Parents know that their teens need to be resilient to survive today’s complex world and teens know that it’s a quality or character trait that’s valued, to the extent that overcoming challenges and adversity are a common essay theme in college applications. But is overcoming a challenge or adversity all that building resilience really is? 

According to a Pew Trend article, “resilience is the ability to deal with stress and adapt to big and small challenges throughout life. It involves using various characteristics and skills to positively adapt to traumatic situations, natural disasters, social struggles, learning disabilities, and mental and emotional disorders.”

“But is overcoming a challenge or adversity all that building resilience really is?”

The keywords in that rather long definition are these: “the ability to … adapt … using skills.” Resilience is more than the act of overcoming, it’s the acquisition of skills and the ability to draw upon them in different circumstances that makes resilience something that is learned and accessible to all and not an inherent character trait that a few are blessed to be born with. 

“With so much talk about resilience today, it can seem like just another thing teens need to do and be, or even worse, that they need to have to go to college.”

The literature on how to build resilience is vast with reputable organizations like the Mayo Clinic, the Center for the Developing Child at Harvard University, and the American Psychological Association all offering their own take on how to accomplish this. And while there are commonalities in all the multi-step plans from fostering connected relationships to practicing self-care, what also must be acknowledged, but often isn’t, is that the children and teens most in need of resilience are the ones for whom these steps are often the most difficult. The teen who’s being bullied is often vulnerable because they don’t have a close group of friends to begin with. Or, the teen who is being dragged down by negative self-talk can’t get started on self-care because the unkind inner-voice drowns out all other perspectives.

Instead of putting together another list of things which surely do build resilience but are often out of reach for vulnerable teens, it’s useful for parents to take one step further back. For example, building connected relationships is an essential part of being resilient but where would a teen even begin to build those relationships if they’re not coming naturally at school? This is just one example of the type of ‘one step further back’ question that a parent can ask and that can get a teen started on their resilience journey.

Here are some other resilience precursors to help parents help their teen build the skills that are building blocks of resilience.

1. Name That Emotion

One of the hardest things for many teens (and also many adults) is being able to name an emotion and what it feels like in their body. Getting a grasp on naming emotions, describing emotions, and eventually interrogating those emotions to know where they came from and why is really the first step in building resilience. The Disney Pixar movie, Inside Out 2, did a phenomenal job of introducing all the new emotions and highs and lows of teenage life. Being able to picture anxiety, for example, as a little chaotic person and understanding that the intention of anxiety is to protect goes a long way to neutralizing its impact. The more emotions - positive and negative - that a teen can identify and be comfortable with, the stronger their foundation.

2. Say Hello to…You

One of the hardest things for a parent is to watch their teen struggle with social connection. Inevitably in Middle School and High School there’s a period of time when nearly all kids don’t fit into their friend group, and sometimes not into any friend group at all. Rather than it being the end of times, reframing this an opportunity to connect with themselves and find out what makes them who they are turns a negative into a positive. Tapping into resources outside school, sports, or other ‘usual’ places gives teens the opportunity to break free from expectations to say hello to themselves in a new environment. 

3. Write it Down

One of the hardest things for a brain to do when it is under stress is for it to remember what it needs to be doing to be resilient. As is so often the case, writing things down in an easily accessible format - preferably analog, but with teens we’ll take digital too - that they can tap into when things begin to go awry. Journaling can often seem like a lot of work, so thinking in terms of post-it notes, index cards, or short checklists can make the act of writing less daunting. Think about including not just positive affirmations and sayings, but practical things like “when I am feeling anxious I can do …” or “practice box breathing before starting a test.” Having these tangible reminders of what to do when things get stressful is the first step to regaining control of a situation and an important stepping stone in building resilience. 

With so much talk about resilience today, it can seem like just another thing teens need to do and be, or even worse, that they need to have to go to college. But it truly is a skill that will serve teens well not only to survive high school and thrive in college but for lifelong well-being. As with any skill, resilience has to be practiced to, at first, make it a habit and then to keep it attuned to ever-changing stressors. By breaking down the steps and the thinking behind resilience, parents can help demystify the concept and help their teen acquire this invaluable skill.