Is Your Teen Struggling with Self-Esteem? You’re Not Alone.

Has your teenager ever spoken negatively about themselves? Of course, the answer is YES!!! Teenagers struggle with self-esteem and the self-awareness of how to build positive self-esteem. As parents it can be a frustrating situation. We try to give our teens praise and they often do not internalize or believe what we are saying. Our hearts break for our kids when it is hard for them to see in themselves all of the positives and strengths that we see in them! 

I usually think of self-esteem as confidence in one’s own worth or abilities. It is finding the value in who we are and not what we do. Self-awareness can be defined as the ability to understand ourselves and how we are perceived in the world at large. Having a strong sense of self-awareness allows for teenagers to build on strengths and improve self-esteem. When a teen lacks self-awareness they will likely miss out on the ability to build self-esteem. 

”When a teen lacks self-awareness they will likely miss out on the ability to build self-esteem.“

Teenagers’ self-esteem and self-awareness is directly related to their well-being or ability to function optimally in their daily lives. Stability with one’s well-being is rooted in a strong sense of self. As a parent, one of the most important ways we can help increase our teen’s level of self-awareness is to role model the trait. We want to share and acknowledge our own strengths and weaknesses in a balanced and honest way. When sharing weaknesses, we want to show our teens that we can set obtainable goals, challenge ourselves with learning new skills in unfamiliar situations, and then reflect on what went well and what we will still like to be working on. That in and of itself can promote tremendous growth in self-awareness and self-esteem. When we have successes, we want to “pat ourselves on the back.” That lets our teens know that it is okay to celebrate what goes well! 

Helping our teens build self-esteem can be tricky, one of the most effective ways is to use descriptive praise. General praise like “That’s great you won the game” or “Good job getting an A” is far easier for our kids to dismiss then a statement like “I loved the effort your put forth in the game, I can see that your hard work in practice paid off” or “I noticed you studying the flash cards you made- that effort was commendable.” Descriptive praise takes a little more thought and effort and as such that authenticity comes through and teens are more likely to internalize the praise. 

Encouraging our teens to try out new activities shows them that we believe in their abilities. Growth with self-awareness and self-esteem happens most easily in challenging situations, even if full success is not achieved. While teens are working on building self-esteem, as parents, we want to instill in our teens that we have confidence in their ability to cope with change and get through hard things. 

The 4 crucial C’s of parenting, rooted in psychologist Alfred Adler’s development theory, fit perfectly with building self-awareness and self-esteem:

• Count: Teens need to feel that they are important and noticed. We can do that by following up on something they shared previously to show we were really listening (“How did that presentation go on Wednesday in history class?”)

• Courage: Encourage teens to take on new opportunities and embrace change (“Yes, try out for the school play for the first time!”)

• Capable:  Applaud efforts at decision making, taking action and setting goals (“I love that you took a reasonable risk and gave yourself the opportunity to grow.”)

• Connection: Create resources and relationships that can help your teen feel supported (“Lets get you linked up with the Unified Mental Team at School.”)

“Scrolling on social media and comparing ourselves to others can be like burning our finger on a stove we did not know was on.”

One last thought…Comparing to others, which often happens while scrolling on social media, is detrimental to self-esteem. I often work with my adolescent clients on increasing self-awareness with the following analogy: If we don’t know the stove is on and we accidentally touch the hot stove, it burns our finger and we do not touch the hot stove again because it hurts. Scrolling on social media and comparing ourselves to others can be like burning our finger on a stove we did not know was on. If we keep scrolling and comparing it can be like burning our fingers over and over again. Let’s not keep burning our fingers!